Monday 22 December 2014

CHRISTMAS!!!

We are just under a week from Christmas and I couldn't be more excited... I have spoken to a fair few people who have said 'oh you've done so well, but are you going to have a break over christmas?' This comment is coming more and more, especially since recent progression shots have been published of me on facebook. 

I'm so proud of myself for how well I have done so far, but I'm not at my goal and even if I was, would I want to ruin it by having time 'off' my lifestyle...? The key word is lifestyle, not diet or programme.

My first thought, is how long is the Christmas period? Some people think It is a day, week or month. For me, it tends to be almost all of December! If I decided to eat whatever during that month, my god I would be the size of a house! Even if I decided to do it for a couple of weeks, I could do so much damage, it could basically render the last few months useless.

I currently have a 'flexible diet' way of living, gradually over the last month we have increased my carb and fat levels to get my metabolism as high as possible. Not only to make christmas easier, but also to ensure that from January I can really focus and return to working towards my goals...!

I am in no way going to sit there on Christmas Day and not eat what I want, please don't get me wrong. I will relax, I don't want to think about food all day. But I'm going to train every other day of the week and contain my eating on the other days.

The trick is, don't deny yourself, you will only crave it more... Then when/if you cave, you more than likely will binge on that item of food & more. The best thing to do is except you haven't eaten the best thing, move on, and get back to eating well. I've said it before and I'll say it again, don't let a bad meal, turn into a bad day, turn into a bad week, etc, etc.

My next blog is going to be a reflection on the year and what I'm looking forward to next year, so stay tuned and follow to have my new blogs flagged to you when I post them :)

Enjoy your Christmas, spend time with your family and relax. It is time to rest and enjoy yourself!

Happy Christmas (random picture of my dog Betsy, dressed as a Christmas pudding) x

Tuesday 2 December 2014

Water




Last week I was spot on with my food, hitting my carbs, protein and fat levels to the number. I was feeling lean and actually pretty good, but something was missing. I wasn't quite as energetic as I would have liked and the feeling of lean was fleeting from one hour to the next.

On Saturday, I had my regular weekly weigh in and body fat % results, which are part of my personal training package. I weighed myself first thing, before eating or drinking and after going to the toilet (I know you don't need to know that, but it is my routine). I was shocked at the result, putting half a kilo on (1 pound on). 

1 kilo doesn't sound like much and it isn't, but for me I was then wracking my brain to see where I had gone wrong. My food had been great, my training was going very well and I felt leaner (thinner!). So why the increase, I should in theory have lost weight this week.

The only thing I could attribute it to, was water. I had been awful with my water intake that week. Despite eating well, I had probably hardly drunk 1 litre a day, where I should be hitting 3 litres (not including tea/coffee).

My next surprise was at my body fat percentage result, I had dropped about 0.40% body fat, which again doesn't sound like much, but is a fair bit. This was pointing more and more into my water intake not being right and my body was holding/storing the water.

In my naivety in the past (before I started this journey), I was never familiar with the effects water had on the body. Yep maybe I was thick. I was told it was important, but never felt it made me feel any differently. Because in those days, I didn't listen to my body ever, I didn't realise the benefits of water.

I also never really realised that our bodies store and retain water like they do. This week was a prime example of this and let's just say I've been drinking a hell of a lot more water since then. 

For me water is boring, I'd much rather drink a coffee or glass of wine. But I have to change my thoughts about it, drinking water gives you energy, keeps your skin clear, clears your body of toxins and when you drink a sufficient about, you can lose weight!!

Having that week of no water, has really made me realise how much our bodies need it and that most people (including myself), do not drink anywhere near enough! I've never been perfect with my water intake, but I am striving every day to put the effort in and drink enough.

Challenge yourself to drink more water, have a litre bottle of water and see how many you can drink in a day. If you drink glasses of water, every day try and drink a little bit more. Myself I will be setting myself timescales: 7-11; 1 litre 11-4; 1 litre 5-9; 1 litre 

I often tell myself 'you can do this', I can and I will!!

Thanks for reading, please share with your friends and family, comment/like and follow me :)



Saturday 22 November 2014

Timehop


Firstly, thank you so much for the lovely comments I've had so far from this blog. It motivated me to keep going and reinforced my determination to keep blogging :)

Timehop

So I downloaded Timehop in the last week, maybe behind the times I know, but didn't really see the point, but thought I'd give it a go. 

What have I discovered...

Well the analyst in me comes out (as that is my profession), from the posts so far from 2-5 years ago, I was unhappy, clearly. I was ill all the time and hated work. That's not news to me and I have mentioned this is previous posts. 

Nowadays I would consider myself very healthy, I hardly ever get ill, but when I do it hits me like a ton of bricks. I suppose what I have taken from this, is that doing what I have, to get fit and healthy, has amazingly improved my health but I will still get ill. 

This doesn't mean I'm not as healthy as I was a previous week, or I've somehow failed myself by getting ill. It is a way of life and we all get ill. The benefit now is that I continue to train as much as I can, my eating continues healthy (if I can) and if both of those things go out the window, I know I will get back to it when I'm feeling better, or close to better.

The realisation that you are in control of you, is amazing. I never felt in control before, things seemed (in the past) to just happen to me, now I choose (for the most part) what happens to me. I think I'm referring mostly to the eating here, to know you can fall off the wagon, but jump straight back on is key. 

Just because you've had chocolate bar with mid morning cuppa, does not mean you have failed for that day, week, month, year! So what you've had a chocolate bar, don't dwell on it, it happened yes, but that chocolate bar does not control what you eat for the rest of your day, week, etc. It's hard to get in this mindset, but incredibly satisfying and keeps you towards your goals. Flexible dieting is what is says on the tin 'flexible'.

I'm no expert, I'm talking from my experiences and how I feel.

So progress this week, I've dropped half a kilo, doesn't sound much does it. I actually don't think that's representing the change I've felt in my body, I feel leaner. My stomach especially feels smaller. The weight on the scales is one element, yes it is a focus of mine currently, but isn't the be all and end all. 

I'm confident that by following my macros this week and training plan, I will achieve an equal if not better result next week - we shall see :) 




Don't let one day/week of disappointment ruin your motivation, this will not stop me going to the gym on Monday and training. Or stop me eating healthy this week! 

Thanks for reading...

Tuesday 18 November 2014

Random Thoughts

First Thought

The other day I went to meet a friend in town, I was early so decided to stand outside her workplace and took to taking in my surroundings. There were a fair few people around, mostly shopping or spending their lunchtimes rushing around. But something struck me as worrying or concerning.

The amount of women that look at other women, not just looking and judging me, but looking at others and judging. Before my health journey (I don’t know what else to call it!), I thought people looked at me because of my size and obvious lack of confidence.

What surprised me, was not only did I notice that I was still in need of an evaluation (to compare how I look to others), but it was all women. I actually didn't see that many men doing the same, watching other men and doing quick analysis', like women do.

What a strange breed we are, not only do the majority of us feel uncomfortable in our skin, but we do the worst thing possible to others! Bizarre and little bit scary I think. Maybe I’m wrong, but this is my perception, this is how it feels to me and how it makes me feel, surely I’m not the only one... I had a tendency in the past to not look at people, I hated looking people in the eye, as I thought in some way that by doing I was inflicting them with having to deal with an over-weight woman, I thought (and hated the thought) of them making all the pre-conceived ideas of over-weight people.


We shouldn't feel this need to compare, but we do, it's such a shame. Judging people isn't fair, you don't know who they are, or what they have been through. Think before you stare or judge. We're all human and have all had our battles to get through.

Second Thought

Whenever I look at my shadow, I see the old me. The bigger me. The fat me. The person I hated!

I like it when my shadow is behind me and I don't need to look at it, but sometimes you need to face your past to focus on the now and progress to the future.

Today sat waiting for the train, I stared at my shadow, hating the size it was portraying, thinking to myself that I'm no longer that person and never want to be again.

Right now my results are halting, stalling slightly if you will. I need my head to stop thinking I'm doing so well and realise the massive hurdles I still need to get over.

The problem with the weight loss/health journey is that you do reach a point where you are looking good, but you aren't at the end, but your head and people around you think you can become easier in yourself from a eating and exercise point of view.

This is not the case and I'm living that right now. My head and those around me think I'm in such a good place that I can eat different things - yes to some degree this is the case. But I would advise you to think again, re-focus, what is your next goal, what do you want, are you really happy with now and surely you don't want to go back, so no way can you start eating like you were (the were for me; 16 months ago)!

For me this isn't the first time I've encountered these thoughts or feelings. At different points in the process/journey you think, wow I'm doing so well. People are noticing and commenting, asking your advice and you look good or better than you did. Your head does weird and strange things, it goes a bit melancholy and you start to slip into old habits or new habits that can be just as bad.

Denial is massive during these stages, the human brain is sly and will start to make you deny the things you are doing. Less training at the gym (making up excuses that you believe), sneaking in extra bits into your diet (saying you deserve it, it won't affect your results)...! Sound familiar??!!   If not, you are lucky, this is my experience either way.

I am now at 67.5kg, my body fat is at 19.05%. I train 6 times a week, sometimes 5 depending on work and have a non training day macros to hit on those days off. My work is complicated, 2 full time jobs on the go, with little or no time for everything. I’ve also started a part time distance learning Personal Training Course, I am to work 16 hours at the Loft Gym, fitted around my hours in my normal job. This leaves little time to relax, see friends and family, but it is a short term situation for a long term gain.

I need to make sure I don’t burn out, or become ill with all this extra stuff going on. My body is becoming more and more used to me pushing past illness’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ill all the time, no-where near where I was in the past (I used to get every illness, cold, virus going around). Now what happens, I get a cold (for example), I push past it, drug myself up and carry on, vary rarely letting my body get the rest it probably needs. This is both from a work and training perspective.

Recently I fell fowl to this, I had a cold, which turned to a cough, which turned to sinusy thing, that then seemed to stop, but then hit me with a chest infection – this nearly floored me, had to admit defeat and took some time off work and training. For all my talk on previous blogs about listening to your body, I’m not doing it, I just carry on and on and don’t let it rest.

In the end my body stops me, it always does. The body is a clever clever machine, it will stop you and make you feel awful, if you won’t listen to it and stop when it needs rest to recover from illness.

Enough of my ranting on here today, hopefully some thoughtful bits and pieces.

Thanks for reading...0

Train Writing & Reflections



I'm writing this on the train, thinking to myself what a long journey I'm on (an hour & it is boiling). Putting things in perspective is an amazing tool, yes right now my train journey feels lengthy & tiring - sounds very familiar to my healthy body journey. Through it's course there have been times that fly by, where I enjoy every second. There are times like now (I have felt this before as well), where things are a struggle, I'm craving things I can't eat (doesn't help that due to reduced macros I'm hungry a lot of the time!). I'm thinking to myself on this train how nice it would be to go home, sit and not get up,, rather than drag myself to the gym! But then my fitness self (so to speak), wakes up and says 'ok do that, but how bad will you feel that you didn't train today, it's 1 hour out of the day - suck it up & bloody well go'. She's a bossy cow sometimes, but she's right. It's not my body's fault I've been up since 5, working for 9 hours, travelling for 3 hours today! There are 24 hours in a day, 1 hour to train more than my body deserves right? My body makes sure I can function all day, so why shouldn't it get a fix of what it needs.... 

I'm not sure if this writing will help or inspire anyone, it is just my story, my struggles and successes. The people around you are key, I wouldn't be here today without my friends and family, but mainly jenny my sister, for not caring what I eat, for not worrying when I'm getting back late from work and going straight to the gym, to then eat and fall into bed.

A body is a building, you need to create the foundations before you can build the house. The foundations are your nutrition and exercise technique. Making sure you know what you put in your body, why and how it makes you feel. The wrong fuel in a car will cause it to break down, your body is the same. If you don't do the exercise in the right way you will break, you can try and jump in all guns blazing, yeah at first you may succeed, but what's the point if you aren't doing it right and hitting the right muscles?

I sound like I know it all, I don't, at this stage of writing I've been doing this for 16 months. My ideal physique will probably take another 6 months of so to develop, that's realistic. Realism is essential, it is not real that everyone will be able to lose their weight, keep it off and maintain a consistent diet and exercise regime. You have to want to do it, dedicate your mind and say no to people sometimes.

I used to hate saying the word 'no', I felt it was such a negative word and in no way could mean anything other than someone wasn't getting what they wanted or needed. At work I would have so much piled in me, because I couldn't say no. Rather me be burned out than someone else. Why, am I not as important as them, should you not be one of the most important if not the most important person in your own life??

Thanks for reading :)

Don't know what to title this...


All the rest of my posts had been written in and around the past year, I don’t have the dates of when, but have a rough idea from what I was talking about. These blogs are written now and I am hoping to post one every week or two, with my progress, how I’m feeling, challenges, etc.

I can’t wait to see what happens next, I’ve never looked like this before (well I was when I was teenager, but I had issues then and thought I needed to diet), I don’t know what I will look like when I get to my next goal and then what I want to get to next. I’m aiming to weigh 60kg currently (I never thought that would be a goal for me), it is very achievable, but I have no idea what I will look like. Currently we are lucky (I say we, my personal trainer and me) that we have been able to build shape at the same time as lose weight (or should I say fat). Therefore, a lot of people are surprised that I want to go further to lose more weight and not stay where I am.

All I can say is that this isn’t how my body should look, I can’t explain how I know that, I just know this isn’t my body yet. There are still areas of wobble that need to go, that isn’t me being vain, it is fact, I will show you if you ask. Wobble is not good and the frustrating thing for me currently is I can feel the muscle underneath, I just need the fat to go and the skin to snap in to the right place (hopefully). It is also the case that 60kg is not my final goal, most likely I will want to push that further, for my height I should weigh less than that. I will be lean at 60kg, but I will more than likely want to get to the right weight for my height (wow even this time last year, I wouldn’t have believed that!).


Once again I have been lucky in that my skin has snapped back where it should be, well so far, there is still time for me to find that the last won’t go away. But we shall see, unfortunately that is a waiting game for me to see what my body does when I lose those last percentages of fat.

I’ve said I’m lucky a fair few times throughout this and I’m conscious that it wasn’t all luck, as it sounds above. Tom would not have put the time and effort into me, if I hadn’t shown my drive and commitment, why would he put loads of effort and time into helping me, if I didn’t eat what I should and train as I should. I’m not going to take all the credit, I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for Tom, he transformed my life and I can’t thank him enough, but he knows that and I don’t want to give him a big head.

I haven’t mentioned the type of gym training I do much in my blog, although have alluded to it, I weight train, I am in effect a body builder. I rarely do cardio, if I do it is more in the form of interval training or getting my heart rate up by doing squat jumps for example. I started off with programmes containing a combination of body parts to train in a day. Now my training days are split into Back, Shoulder, Chest and two days of legs, splitting the muscles in my legs on different days.

Personally I wouldn’t want to do anything else now, I love getting a personal best with my weights when it doesn’t affect my technique/form. I was forced into a rest day the other day, it got to 5pm that day and I decided I couldn’t do this and decided to go for a jog (with small sprints to raise my heart rate more), this would never happened before to me and to be honest didn’t really enjoy the jog. It isn’t for me, I can see why people do it and I wouldn’t be put off going again, just to see if I have improved at all, but that would be it. I’m competitive with myself, I always want to beat myself up. I used to beat myself up in another way, but now I beat myself in the gym.

The hardest thing to decide is your goals, until now I never thought it was possible to change my body as I have. When you are between 15-18 stone, it is hard to picture yourself other than that size. To dare to dream you could be a healthy size, feels like you are setting yourself up to fail.

When discussing with Tom what I wanted, at the start, all I could articulate is 'smaller' I need to lose weight. Not a goal of 'healthy' or 'toned' or even a desired size/weight. I just wanted less of me. After this we didn't discuss goals, until around June 2014 and even now it is difficult to say what I want. There are physiques which I aspire to like, but my body may not suit that physique completely, at just 19% body fat, I'm in a place where we cannot know what shape my body will be, we can build & focus on areas. But until these last bits of fat fuck off, it is a tad unknown how far I can take this & what I will look like.

I’m asked about how I stay motivation; Motivation and being psyched up for every training session is a tricky thing to pin point. For me it has changed throughout my journey. Sometimes a good set of songs can really help you focus & get out of your head (or in your head depending on what you need). More recently watching Greg Plitt's videos inspire me to push myself that bit further than normal.

You have off days, you have days maybe even weeks where training doesn't go to plan, or you’re not feeling it. Maybe you can't lift as much, for example. This could be for a number of reason, maybe your eating wasn't quite right, you’re not getting enough sleep , works stressful or simple a combination of things. Don't let this disheartened, this is life, in every aspect we go through this, in different guises. At work it's an off week where you don't hit all your targets/deadlines. In your relationship it's a time when all you seem to do is argue or not talk.

Sometimes they are the times which help you either fight for what you want of flee. The important thing is it is your choice and quite often makes you better for it. I'm not going to tell you that weight lifting will be your thing and will work. It isn't for everyone! Yes it worked for me, but I can't run to save my life. Cardio is not my strong point and I know that, but took me years to realise that, after years of trying many different things.

Food wise, I was given a healthy set of foods to eat, with a certain amount of fat, carbs and protein to consume with these foods. Using myfitnesspal to track. This along with tracking my losses, Tom was able (after what seemed like many many months), was able to establish my maintenance, I think my body is deceiving. Maintenance is a set of protein, carbs and fat, which can be eaten to maintain my weight, important for when dieting has to stop (I never thought that would be the case). We then worked on increasing/maintaining my metabolism, which couldn't have been slower at the start. How my body used to run I have no idea!! No wonder I didn't ever lose weight...!


Thanks for reading...

BodyPower, Summer Shredders and other things...


I attended Bodypower at the NEC in Birmingham in 2014, this is an expedition of the fitness world, with companies, athletes and enthusiast filling a couple of the halls at the NEC. It was incredible!  I was almost shocked into silence by it, trying to take it all in. There was so much to see, take in and digest. But the main thing I took away was motivation, I really wanted to train, I really wanted to push my body to the next level. I wanted to increase my knowledge of fitness and nutrition and follow some of the fitness models I met and saw.

This is absolutely a lifestyle, for me it is one of the most important things in my life now, I 
know I have to work to earn money and my career is of course still important, I am not the sort of person to go to work and not care. But my health is far more important, pushing my body to its limits is a choice. I’m not saying I’m going to become so muscley that is all you see when you look at me, that is not the case, I want to look awesomely defined, I want to inspire people to do what I did, or at least look at changing something that they do in regards to fitness or nutrition.

Yes sometimes I think, ‘is this all worth it’. I get very tired occasionally, to the point where I do need a nap in the afternoon. There are days if working in London, that I leave my house at 6.15, work till 5ish (sometimes later), heading straight to the gym and not getting home till 9pm. Struggling to fit in all the food I need to, before showering and going to bed for 9.30-10, so I can do it all again the next day. Yes it is tough and I could not do that every day, but for a week I can (I work Mon-Thurs, full time), my Fri, Sat and Sun are busy, but no-where near as busy, I make sure I leave myself some 'me' time, where I can rest, my body and my mind. It is important to keep my mind rested as well.

I’ve typed this during my week off (I wrote this a while ago, think this was April/May 2014), 
I am having some work doing to my house and to free up the space and help out, I’m living at my mums. So my holiday will be, going to the gym twice a day (class in the morning, training with PT or PT session in the afternoon/evening), gardening (very little so doesn’t affect my macros too much), walking dog and anything else I fancy doing. Some work will be done, it has to, I work flexibly so this has helped me in the past and will do in the future.
I’d love to be going abroad, sunning myself & exploring new places, but with the work on the house and lack of money, this is not an option. I also wanted to see if I could handle this at the gym, 2 sessions a day is a lot and not something I would recommend. The class I did in the morning isn’t like a normal training session and I could ensure I don’t push myself too much, so it doesn’t effect my training in the afternoon/evening. It also allows me to push it a week before the end of our Summer Shredders programme.

6 weeks prior to writing the above, Tom organised a Summers Shredders programme, which would take place in 6-8 weeks, people could have their macros set for them and training programmes written per training session, for an extremely reasonable price. I have been doing macros for longer than 6 weeks and training with Tom is having my training programmes written for me, but a difference for me was having my progression shots taken every 2 weeks. I used to hate having my photo taken, back when I was bigger I had an almost fear of having a photo taken of myself. So getting nearly naked (in my bikini) in front of someone and having those photos critiqued was a massive hurdle for me.

In my life I had never put a bikini on, no that is a lie! I had picked them up, taken them to the changing rooms and cringed at myself. Sometimes even laughing at myself for being that idiot, who thought they could possibly look nice in that item of clothing. So picking a bikini was difficult, I took a friend from the gym with me, who had equal problems with the idea of a bikini. Let’s just say, it was not the best trip, we found nothing that was a) the right style b) fitted well enough. Luckily Jenny knew of a good website for them and we ordered online and tried on the bikinis with each other, to make sure we didn’t chicken out.

I was again lucky that my PT is very professional, the pictures were easy to take and were done so quickly I didn’t know what I was worried about. Well that was until I had to take my second and even my third. But after they are taken and you can see your progress staring you in the face, it is hard not to smile or feel some sort of achievement. ‘I did that’, yes I have lots of help, but all that help would be nothing if I didn’t get off my arse and do the work. My personal trainer will train on his own or with someone else if I didn’t train with him. If I didn’t turn up to my PT sessions, they just wouldn’t take place and I would waste my money. 

If I didn’t log into my fitness pal and plan what I’m going to eat everyday and making sure my fridge/cupboards are stocked and spend time cooking/prepping that food for the next day if needed, then it wouldn’t happen. I would be tempted to have stuff I shouldn’t have, I would faulter!

My 4th bikini progression picture (I had other progression pictures, but they were in gym clothes, so very different in terms of seeing progress), I was really interested to see what had changed in the last 2 weeks and from the start. I was nervous, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that, I feel nervous every time I have my measurements taken, step on the scales and have my body fat percentage worked out. Of course you will feel like that if you had been bad, not hit your macros like you should have and not worked out as hard. However, I usually feel this way, even when I have been spot on all week. I have never liked tests and these all feel like tests to me. Testing me to see if I can continue to drop 1kg a week, or 0.50% of body fat, will my lean muscle mass go down or stay solid. These are all things that go through my head and yep sometimes I have weeks where you know what, I’ve hit everything as I should and yet still my results aren’t where my head thinks they should be.

Thanks for reading...

Stepping it up / The Journey Continues...


In February 2014, I thought it was time to pick up my game even more and asked Tom (my PT) how I could do this, at that time I was heading to the gym 5ish times a week, my 2 PT sessions included in that. It was suggested if I could fit in going down there, when he was free that we could train at the same time. He would be training anyway, so I would benefit from the motivation to keep going from him and without hindering his training in any way.
So this helped me to step up my training once again, enabled me to have a spotter without the guilt that Tom must have better things to do than spot me. But also helps seeing someone else train, how they do it, how they get in the right head space and encouraging you (without realising sometimes), to increase your weights.

I think having a training partner is a great idea, choose someone who is going to help you focus, keep focused and although I know it is great to talk, the time should be used at the gym to train, not talk as such. So if you feel you need to natter, that is fine, but use the time at the gym to really push yourself, you can’t do that if you are chatting. You need someone who will support you with this and not think you are being rude.

On reflection the main thing I think that worked for me this time, thinking of all the times 
I’ve signed up to gyms and diets in the past, is that this is a very personal journey I have taken. Yes I must admit something clicked in my head and I became focused, but the key is individual diet plan and fitness programme, to fit around what you can do. Regular updates and chats with someone in the know, again I’m lucky in that my PT really knows his stuff and didn’t try to pigeon hole me into the same diet as everyone else.

I was in no way an easy task, my diet was tricky, my metabolism was tricky, my condition made things tricky (i.e pain is sometimes something you just can’t get round and carry on) and mental issues. Yep I’ll admit it, with the depression in the past this is still with me, not like a monkey on my back, but does affect you hugely as you move through life. Trying to learn that I was worth all this hard work, dedication and effort, was a huge thing for me to get over it. I am worth all this, of course I am, this is my life so if I can’t be worth it in my own life, who is??!!!

No one can do this for you, you need to believe that you are worth doing this for, I will admit I didn’t think I was worth it, at times in the last 16 months I did question myself and thought about giving up. I wasn’t worth all this effort. I didn’t love myself. Others can help you feel worth it, hold you up and push you forward, but in the end it is all you, you are worth it, I promise you!

Thanks for reading...

Diets / Progress / Etc



I was a hard case to crack, I had absolutely ruined my body with diets in the past, my metabolism was almost non-existent. Alongside that, I’m a vegetarian and I don’t eat fish, so when told to hit 200g of protein a day, this felt like a mountain to climb. 


I really enjoyed weight training, I liked it when I could see I was able to lift heavier, or see my technique getting better. The muscle ache was something I aspired to get and felt like I’d let myself down if I didn’t have this (I have learned since these days, that the sort of ache I was seeking then isn’t required to feel like you have worked hard). There are other muscle soreness which feels better. I found my body got bored every 3-4 weeks of doing a programme and luckily my personal trainer was happy to write me a programme every time, to keep my body guessing and to challenge me more each time.

Training and eating was going well, I liked trying to hit my protein, carb and fat levels as close as I could, hated maintenance weeks with a vengeance. It hurt to eat that amount of food required on maintenance week, so much so, I would have to drink water after every bite to force the food into me. I felt like I was forcing my body to do something it didn’t want, I know now that this was needed to get my metabolism where it is needed. But at time it felt like hell – worse than hell, as I hated not losing that week and how bloated it made me feel. A necessary part of the process though, I actually like maintenance weeks now, being able to eat all that food is a pleasure.


One thing I learnt at this point, is actually I hated food, I think this was very much a mental thing and took me a while to get over. Previously I thought I was so much of a foody, that was why I thought I was big, it wasn’t that at all, I ate what I thought my body wanted, but it was all in my head. In the process of hating myself, I would eat to try and make myself feel better, you hear that chocolate and fatty/carb loaded foods make you feel better, even for a short while – so that is what I did. I thought I was enjoying every mouthful, at that point, I wasn't, I hated food, eating was a chore, if I could have paid someone else to do it for me, I would have.


I was also trying to learn during this time, to listen to my body, what was it asking for when and why. How it felt when I ate certain types of food, this was a huge learning curve for me. I was also one for turning off the messages from my body; hunger/full/de-hydrated/etc, I had learnt over the years to turn that switch and ignore my body’s messages. It sounds impossible or stupid, yes you are right it was, why I did it, I don’t know it felt easier than dealing with it I suppose. Now was a time I had to switch that back on, feel hungry and hydrate my body, listen to what it was telling me, don’t ignore your body, it is risky and I can’t think of a time when you should.

In December 2013 I had some time off work and decided to step up my training, during the 2 weeks off over Christmas, I decided to train as much as I can, increased my PT sessions to twice a week for those two weeks, plus try and train every day. I wanted to push my body beyond what I was able to do when I was working and training. I found this really tough, it felt alien to be training every day and I struggled to single out body parts for training, not having learnt precise muscles and when/how they work when doing certain exercises. Often thinking, yeah I’m just working my back, when in fact I’m using my shoulders too much. The next day doing shoulders was a nightmare!

However, I really enjoyed having 2 PT sessions a week, I can train on my own, but prefer to train with a PT or with a partner. So I decided to up my game when back at work to have 2 PT sessions every week, which due to working hard during the week, had to take place on a Friday and Saturday. This seemed stupid to me, to work out so hard on 2 consecutive days, but when you have a good PT (he may be reading this now and laughing), this doesn’t matter and they change things up so you aren’t going to kill yourself one day and ruin the following day.

My results continued well, I wasn’t weighing myself that often at all, about once a month between July and March, to capture my Body Fat %, rather than focus on my physical weight. The problem with physical weight is that it is a miss-representation of the fat in your body. If you think about what your body is made up of: Fat, Muscle, Organs, Bones, Water, Other. Fat is actually one part of a very complex machine and is a percentage of your overall physical weight. It took me probably this amount of time (July to March), to get my head round that, lucky for me I hating weighing myself (do to this day) and so not weighing myself was a god send! I implore you to do this as well, weighing yourself is not an indication of your overall health or fat content in your body.

We measured my arm, chest, waist, hips, thigh and calf religiously every week, this helped me incredibly and enabled me to keep focused. If I didn’t hit the result we were expecting, I would question what training and eating I had done the previous week and what I could do the next week to mean this doesn’t happen or my results will be better. Often suggesting I up the amount of exercise I was doing, or reduce my calories, this was never the answer as long as I was sticking to the plan (that is reference to the times where I didn’t follow the plan to the letter and ended up negatively effecting my goals/results).


A massive hurdle for me (to this day), is working away from home, I know that loads of fitness models have this problem, but for me not being able to be as in control as I normally with in my eating and training, really affected me. I kept having to tell myself that it is better to eat than starve, but putting food into my body that wasn't what it wanted/needed really hindered me. Made me feel down and almost depressed. This wasn't helped when actually the food I ended up putting in my body, made me feel lethargic, bulky and bloated.


I still to this day hate that aspect of travelling for work (although I'm better at managing it now), I try and take my protein shakes and as much food as possible with me, but for night stay over, this gets tricky without a fridge. Problem is when you like your job and it is a job where you have to flexible, you have to get over it, find a way and get on with it. Despite the above problems, I was still able to lose cm’s and this was the main thing. In a way who cares if for a week I didn't eat properly (to my normal diet), the important thing is consistency as much as I can and maintain health. The key is to still try and make good choices, don’t beat yourself up, don’t starve yourself and don’t throw in the towel and think you can eat anything and everything!

Thanks for reading...


Fitness / Health / Journey: THE START!



THE START!


I have decided to write a blog, I have been through a lot in the last 16 months, from both a professional and personal perspective. This blog is to explain what I went through, how I felt and to, if possible, inspire or help people. For others to understand that you aren’t on your own, others feel the same, but more importantly changes can be made and there is a positive light at the end of the tunnel.

It is mostly on the fitness and health perspective, but will have other bits and bobs in there too. I'm new to this, so we shall see how it goes. I have a fair few blogs to upload at first and will then become a weekly or fortnightly blog of my progress, learning and thoughts.


Looking back I don’t think I was ever happy with my body, always thought I was never good enough, regardless of what I did. At secondary school I ate minimal (toast for breakfast (if I chose to), 4 ryvita, butter and marmite for lunch, with a diet coke and a full meal at night), I used to exercise quite a lot, I had a horse, which I cycled to as often as possible. Often I was lethargic, napping for about an hour every day, now it is so clear why this was.


Fast forward a few years, going into a loving long term relationship, then that relationship breaking down, you put on more and more weight. On top of this I was diagnosed with PSOC (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), which is a condition where cysts are found on your ovaries, you put on weight very easily and struggle to lose it. This is a lot to do with the mixture of hormonal in-balances in the body that are created by the condition.

I finally had the answer to a lot of my questions, but losing this weight was not going to be easy (18 stone is no easy weight to think you can lose, it still to this day surprises me that I was that big, I was, the picture evidence is there). I joined a bootcamp, which I loved, working out outdoors, 3 times a week, I sometimes stepped that up by going twice in one day, which at the time seemed a bit much. Eating wise I kept the same and still managed to lose 3 stone. I’m not sure now why I stopped going, memory is shady, I do remember coming back from holiday and seemed to have lost my drive. So for the next few years, I maintained that 3 stone loss, but still had a long way to go and not motivation to go that extra mile and achieve any weight loss.

In these few years, I had 2 hits of serious depression, both hindered me greatly. It is hard to work/lose weight/maintain relationships when you hate yourself. I was in a time with no man in my life who loved me, lived with my sister (which was a blessing, I don’t think I would have got through either depression times, if I was living on my own).

Depression is a hard thing to admit, feels almost like such a weakness, not just in yourself but in your way in which you get better. You feel like a failure to not be able to stay happy and focused, it took such a long time to learn and realise that this is not the case. I very much put other people in front of myself, even if they don’t realise that this is the case. I often found I was working too hard, not feeling any benefit from that hard work, always trying to please both friends and family all the time. I like making people happy, this isn’t a failing, but I never put myself first and this lead to me hating who I was and hating the way I looked.


It very hard thinking back to those days, but as a wise person once told me (he knows who he is!), I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t gone through these times.


I would say the second time of depression, is where I truly learnt how to deal with the condition, identify it and learn what it does to me. This second time ended in September (ish) time in 2012, it took me to the next year to start realigning my life to what it is today. The trigger points are key to understand why depression happens and to stop you experiencing it in the future, or to reduce the risk should I say. Depression is a horrendous condition and in a way only those who have had it will know how bad it can get, with both cases I had, it got to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was tired all the time and I felt there was no point in getting up.

In reflection, what have I achieved in the last 16 months....


Well this time a year and a half ago, I was in a job I didn’t enjoy, change was ripping through the HR department, people moving into new roles/teams with a lot of uncertainty. For me I was staying where I was, no change, no progression not even a sideways move.


My health was pretty much in the same place, I was a member of the loft gym with a programme, as massive goal in front of me, 5 stone to lose and drive/motivation was hugely lacking and with a daunting goal, which I was failing to believe I could ever achieve – I felt like I was failing before I had even started.


Job wise, I decide to start looking and making changes for myself. I knew that no one was going to give me the inspiration/guidance I craved, so I would need to seek it myself. Hindered somewhat by no vacancies coming up in my department, I focused on improving my confidence day to day, taking it one day at a time. Setting myself daily things to be proud of at the end of the day. Almost so I could be thankful for them, I think this is a brilliant thing to do and comes from my post depression days – you don’t have to have been depressed in the past to do this. Why not do something everyday that makes you feel proud, or that makes you happy or makes someone else happy.


After a few months (May/June) the HR Department settled slightly and roles not filled from the restructure were advertised. I decided a sideways move would be best and applied for a role in the HR Architecture & Design team. A brand new role which could be scoped from the start and would be a challenge me, within the Central HR team, where I’ve always felt more comfortable, but taking my business HR knowledge with me.



At the gym I had started a more regular regime, going 2- times a week, following my programme. But eating never really improved, despite trying different diets, lets just say I have tried nearly every single diet that is out there, name it I have tried it and as a result made my situation worse (I know that now, I didn’t then). I decided to open up to the personal trainer and owner at the gym about my condition, what I’ve done so far, etc. I decided to try the crazy diet he seemed to suggest along with attending nutrition lectures once a week.



It opened my eyes to say the least, to eat the volume of food I needed to for my body and my gym training was bizarre to me (I know now that this was to find my maintenance & try to increase my metabolism, but at the time it was very foreign to me). Struggling to pack in all the food required took dedication, focus and motivation. I don’t know what clicked in me, but something did. It almost felt like the last change, I was either going to do it and succeed, or fail and never try again. Maybe that’s why it worked...... My personal trainer would say otherwise, that it’s science and always works if you follow it. But the following it is the tricky thing.



After a review with Tom (my personal trainer) in July 2013, I made the choice to up my game, start personal training sessions once a week, taking my training to 3-4 times a weeks, although more often than not 3 times a week, because of work. Often turning up late at night and training up until the gym closed. At this point, I was working in London, travelling 3 hours a day at least, if there were no delays. To go to the gym during the week was tricky, work was my focus then, not myself, it was priority.



Work had taken an up turn in July (also), I succeeded in obtaining the new role and end of July started the job. Immediately feeling like it was a great fit for me. Challenging and yet within my comfort zone! A very strange concept.



Both aspects of my life started to make sense and although I didn’t really have much of a social life, it didn’t seem to matter. My commute killed me during the week and working out killed me at the weekends. But I still managed to see friends and family, I didn’t become a hermit!! I was enjoying it, this was a different way of living, it took dedication and determination to stick to my sessions at the gym.

Results at the gym started to come through, logging progress regularly in a notebook, not only my measurements were being lost, but the progress I was making with my weight lifting, the weight I was lifting going up every week. Logging both types of progress really helped me stay focused and see that it was working. When I felt like not going to the gym, or to pick up fattiest, carb loaded, sugar filled snack, I would pick up my progress notebook and really focus on the figures on the page – for me that helped it made me realise it was worth it and kept me going.


I think this blog is long enough, I will continue in my next blog to talk about what I did wrong in the past with my diet, changes I made and continue with the next stages of my journey.



Thanks for reading