Some of you will have noticed, that I have been a bit absent from writing my blog. In fact I haven't written on here since July 2015. This is for a mixture of different reasons, however the main one is that in 2015 I suffered with Severe Depression. I didn't realise that it had taken hold of me, until I was too late, but I would say I was suffering since March 2015 at the earliest.
Many people have asked me the reasons for my depression, but this time there was no ONE trigger. It was a mixture of different factors:
- Stress at work
- Stress outside work
- Working two jobs
- Fitness targets not going to plan, because of above stress
During my depression, I did do a bit of writing, just brief bits, but I want to be clear and honest about how I felt and this is the best way to do it:
'Life is meant to come easy! Life is meant to be yours, I don't feel in control'
'Binging on food and wine is what I do, making excuses for myself, telling myself 'It's Normal', everyone enjoys a glass or two at night......every night....??? To relax.....??? To stop you thinking.....??? To stop you hating yourself.....???'
'My heart is beating so fast, as I speed toward London Liverpool Street, it almost feels like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. I feel sick, headachy and as if at any minute I could cry.
2 months off work, with Severe Depression. Little to no sleep. Anxiety levels through the roof. It is no wonder I'm feeling like the above. It's not the unprofessional perception I want to portray, but it is how I feel.
I feel like a tiny little animal, scared, frightened and not sure what to do. I want to run back home and dive under the covers in bed, stay there for the next month.
Now I'm shaking, I can barely write this. This doesn't feel like me, I'm confident, strong and happy.... I feel like they have abandoned me. I'm on my own and lonely without them.
People with depression often feel alone and lonely. They can feel like this with close family and friends all around them and supporting them. It isn't an alone/lonely lack of human companionship for me. For me it is my strength, confidence and happiness that are gone... And I can't find it - I don't know how to find it.'
'The over eating has got to stop. Now and since it started there hasn't been an excuse. I've been depressed and I have been sabotaging a lot of my hard work to lose 5 stone! It breaks my heart, that all that determination and strength I worked so hard to obtain and sustain has fallen by the wayside to this disease!'
This was where my brain was, now I'm in a much better place. I took the time off work needed to recover and get myself in a better place. I took the medication that the doctors told me to take. I went to counselling sessions and did everything they told me to do.
Now I'm positive, I've drawn a line under last year and started a fresh this year.
I am DETERMINED
I am STRONG
I do DESERVE THIS
More blogs to come, got lots to write about :)
Thank for reading