The other day I went to meet a friend in town, I was early so
decided to stand outside her workplace and took to taking in my surroundings. There
were a fair few people around, mostly shopping or spending their lunchtimes
rushing around. But something struck me as worrying or concerning.
The amount of women that look at other women, not just looking and judging me, but looking at others and judging. Before my health journey (I don’t know what else to call it!), I thought people looked at me because of my size and obvious lack of confidence.
What surprised me, was not only did I notice that I was still in need of an evaluation (to compare how I look to others), but it was all women. I actually didn't see that many men doing the same, watching other men and doing quick analysis', like women do.
What a strange breed we are, not only do the majority of us feel uncomfortable in our skin, but we do the worst thing possible to others! Bizarre and little bit scary I think. Maybe I’m wrong, but this is my perception, this is how it feels to me and how it makes me feel, surely I’m not the only one... I had a tendency in the past to not look at people, I hated looking people in the eye, as I thought in some way that by doing I was inflicting them with having to deal with an over-weight woman, I thought (and hated the thought) of them making all the pre-conceived ideas of over-weight people.
We shouldn't feel this need to compare, but we do, it's such a shame. Judging people isn't fair, you don't know who they are, or what they have been through. Think before you stare or judge. We're all human and have all had our battles to get through.
The amount of women that look at other women, not just looking and judging me, but looking at others and judging. Before my health journey (I don’t know what else to call it!), I thought people looked at me because of my size and obvious lack of confidence.
What surprised me, was not only did I notice that I was still in need of an evaluation (to compare how I look to others), but it was all women. I actually didn't see that many men doing the same, watching other men and doing quick analysis', like women do.
What a strange breed we are, not only do the majority of us feel uncomfortable in our skin, but we do the worst thing possible to others! Bizarre and little bit scary I think. Maybe I’m wrong, but this is my perception, this is how it feels to me and how it makes me feel, surely I’m not the only one... I had a tendency in the past to not look at people, I hated looking people in the eye, as I thought in some way that by doing I was inflicting them with having to deal with an over-weight woman, I thought (and hated the thought) of them making all the pre-conceived ideas of over-weight people.
We shouldn't feel this need to compare, but we do, it's such a shame. Judging people isn't fair, you don't know who they are, or what they have been through. Think before you stare or judge. We're all human and have all had our battles to get through.
Second Thought
Whenever I look at my shadow, I see the old me. The bigger me. The fat me. The person I hated!
I like it when my shadow is behind me and I don't need to look at it, but sometimes you need to face your past to focus on the now and progress to the future.
Today sat waiting for the train, I stared at my shadow, hating the size it was portraying, thinking to myself that I'm no longer that person and never want to be again.
Right now my results are halting, stalling slightly if you will. I need my head to stop thinking I'm doing so well and realise the massive hurdles I still need to get over.
The problem with the weight loss/health journey is that you do reach a point where you are looking good, but you aren't at the end, but your head and people around you think you can become easier in yourself from a eating and exercise point of view.
This is not the case and I'm living that right now. My head and those around me think I'm in such a good place that I can eat different things - yes to some degree this is the case. But I would advise you to think again, re-focus, what is your next goal, what do you want, are you really happy with now and surely you don't want to go back, so no way can you start eating like you were (the were for me; 16 months ago)!
For me this isn't the first time I've encountered these thoughts or feelings. At different points in the process/journey you think, wow I'm doing so well. People are noticing and commenting, asking your advice and you look good or better than you did. Your head does weird and strange things, it goes a bit melancholy and you start to slip into old habits or new habits that can be just as bad.
Denial is massive during these stages, the human brain is sly and will start to make you deny the things you are doing. Less training at the gym (making up excuses that you believe), sneaking in extra bits into your diet (saying you deserve it, it won't affect your results)...! Sound familiar??!! If not, you are lucky, this is my experience either way.
I am now at 67.5kg, my body fat is at 19.05%. I train 6 times a week, sometimes 5 depending on work and have a non training day macros to hit on those days off. My work is complicated, 2 full time jobs on the go, with little or no time for everything. I’ve also started a part time distance learning Personal Training Course, I am to work 16 hours at the Loft Gym, fitted around my hours in my normal job. This leaves little time to relax, see friends and family, but it is a short term situation for a long term gain.
I need to make sure I don’t burn out, or become ill with all this extra stuff going on. My body is becoming more and more used to me pushing past illness’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ill all the time, no-where near where I was in the past (I used to get every illness, cold, virus going around). Now what happens, I get a cold (for example), I push past it, drug myself up and carry on, vary rarely letting my body get the rest it probably needs. This is both from a work and training perspective.
Recently I fell fowl to this, I had a cold, which turned to a cough, which turned to sinusy thing, that then seemed to stop, but then hit me with a chest infection – this nearly floored me, had to admit defeat and took some time off work and training. For all my talk on previous blogs about listening to your body, I’m not doing it, I just carry on and on and don’t let it rest.
In the end my body stops me, it always does. The body is a clever clever machine, it will stop you and make you feel awful, if you won’t listen to it and stop when it needs rest to recover from illness.
Enough of my ranting on here today, hopefully some thoughtful bits and pieces.
Thanks for reading...0
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